Photo: Stephanie Branchu/Netflix

I know the breakup crushes Emily, but I hope she is heartened by the fact that singledom looks better on her than coupledom ever did. Is it just me, or has Emily become significantly more stylish in this back half of the season? Her hair and makeup are looking so on point. Remember the un-brushed-out boing curls of season one? She’s really grown!

Mindy has big professional news: Crazy Horse needs a new singer for their Friday night revue! Interesting that Mindy passed up last season’s opportunity to perform in a burlesque show but has decided, for the iconic Crazy Horse, that she can perform topless, just because she needs money for Eurovision. Again this particular motivation seems ridiculous to me. Her boyfriend is catastrophically wealthy; it would make MORE sense if she’d planned on depending on Nico but had to recover after breaking things off with him because his father’s wealth is sex-pest money. Still, I’m excited for Mindy, who frankly always seemed like someone who would have zero problems with this sort of performance, to try something daring for her art. I was also happy to see that later on while wearing a dress that is 90 percent cutout, Mindy does not capitulate at all to Nico’s concern about the “optics” of his girlfriend performing at Crazy Horse, despite Nico’s battle for the CEO role against his brothers, who are married. Even later, we will learn that Mindy has a psychological break when her tits are out and can only sing while clothed. Excellent comedic work by Ashley Park, with her voice going on and off as her robe opens and closes. What a PRO.

But I’m skipping ahead: Just as I am rooting for Mindy, she starts to encourage Emily to … stay with Gabriel?!? What? Mindy, NO. Their breakup was REAL. This cannot be one of those EIP breakups that feels like a real breakup to me and any reasonable observer, but then one episode later it has been miscategorized as a mere argument by a still-together couple that obviously doesn’t belong together.

I am on record for having always thought Gabriel was an empty hot guy. To review: He never told Emily he had a girlfriend in the first place; he flirted with Emily, led her on and kissed her while he was secretly dating Camille; at the end of season one, he planned to unceremoniously dump Camille, his girlfriend of MANY years, sans discussion, when he got that job opportunity that was only a short train ride away; he had sex with Emily while still in a relationship with Camille and (of course) lied to all involved parties; I could go on, but I need my word count for the people who really matter to me (Sylvie) so let’s just say I spent MUCH of this episode gasping at the sheer audacity of this man for arguing that Emily, and Emily alone, is the one who fucked up their breakup and also their whole relationship by being bad at communicating. Of all the allegations!! BUDDY, YOU LIED ABOUT HAVING A GIRLFRIEND ON DAY ONE.

Emily sees Gabriel outside the apartment and awkwardly attempts kindness. He behaves like an absolute prick. Hilariously, Camille pulls up in a hot red convertible to pick Gabriel up for lunch and toss Emily’s ugly sweater back in her face. In my notes, I write, Ugh, Emily, just let these assholes have each other; it’s time to use your Instagram skills to find Marcello, the sexy skier!! 

At the office, everyone is gossiping about the new hire: Genevieve. Sylvie assures Emily that Genevieve is here to learn “so don’t feel threatened.” Emily is too dumb to feel threatened, but if I were the American in the office who, after this much cultural immersion, could barely speak a lick of French, and I were about to be sharing Parisian office space with the cool, bilingual daughter of my exacting boss’s hot husband, I wouldn’t not feel threatened. The girls get off to a comically buddy-buddy start, which tells me, as the previous episode did, that all is too well and Genevieve will be evil. (The mocking way Sylvie says “totally!” when Emily suggests the girls’ lunch: perfection!) Over lunch, Emily and Genevieve bond over how impossible it is to please Sylvie, their dream mentor. We get our THIRD Brigette Macron reference of the series with an actual cameo and an Instagram pic. Emily explains her relationship drama to Genevieve — again, zero savvy on Emily’s part! — and Genevieve, approvingly, calls Emily’s crisis “so French.”

The Camille and Gabriel plot of this episode is deeply boring and annoying to me, sorry! Why make the dramatic conversation — Camille was never pregnant after all — happen off-screen and stick us viewers with this weird, anticlimactic aftermath, wherein she drags Gabriel to eat in a converted Abbey and see a priest to … talk about adoption? Girl, you’re not together!! MOVE ON. I know I’ve discussed the between-scene lobotomies as a negative, but I’m starting to think maybe they could serve a medicinal purpose. Zap some sense into this delusional gallerist! At least make her change out of those horrendous ruffled jeans!

It pains me to report that, after grand-gesturing his way back into my beloved Sylvie’s heart, Laurent is back to what I assume are his factory settings: being a fuckboy and checking out when real responsibility is involved. He flits away to Saint Tropez and leaves Sylvie with his kid, to whom he did not even say goodbye. Sylvie handles this like an absolute star and takes Genevieve shopping. “You dress like an American,” she says, and it is embarrassing for all involved parties that the New York girl is wearing a zip-up sweatshirt to the office. Ugh, IMAGINE Sylvie taking you shopping! What does a recapper have to do to experience a montage like this in real life?! “That’s why I don’t need exercise or therapy,” Sylvie says as they strut out of the store in matching trench coats. “I leave it all in the dressing room.” Forget the priest, Camille: THIS is the person you need to be your spiritual adviser.

With the shopping endorphins still running high, Genevieve (accidentally? Or with sneaky malicious intent because she is going to be evil?) lets it slip that Laurent stays with her mom when he’s in New York and that Gen’s understanding is that Sylvie and Laurent are in an open relationship. Sylvie says they both cherish their freedom, but we know this is breaking news for her.

Because Gabriel is still a client — and no one at the office, except for Genevieve, knows Emily and Gabriel broke up — Emily is in charge of corralling the most petulant chef in Paris for a TV Bonjour segment. As if I needed yet another reason to think Gabriel sucks; he is outrageously unprofessional about the whole thing. I thought his whole life was for his restaurant? Now he can’t be bothered to confirm his commitments and behave during press just because his ex works at his marketing agency? Grow up!

Even at her most transformed-by-Sylvie, Genevieve is still doing visible midriff at the office. Take the girl out of NYU, etc. For her part, Emily is wearing clashing patterns and a clown tie. At Emily’s insistence, Genevieve sits in on the Maison Laveaux meeting, where I continue to be shocked that no one at this supposedly professional agency is even remotely prepared for any of their meetings with their largest clients. Why is ANY pitch coming as a surprise to Sylvie, everyone’s boss?! The product is, of course, absurd: Baby perfume. Not to be this person, but have you ever smelled a baby’s head? No one has ever needed perfume less!

Emily visits Camille at work to apologize for not being gracious about her parents’ hospitality. This is very mature, but maybe you shouldn’t show up at people’s jobs unannounced. She brings Camille a baby gift, which is how she learns that there is no baby. I see Camille is confessing it was a “false pregnancy” and perhaps is eliding some key details like I never even went to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, and I kept this knowledge a secret for quite some time because I was trying to manipulate my ex back into my life. The women have a little chat about how you can’t cling to your old plans for your life. Emily references The Human Plot Device: The Chicago Boyfriend, who we are to believe she always planned to marry. I mean, sure, whatever.

At the TV shoot, Emily confronts Gabriel about the whole there’s-no-baby situation. Again, I think Emily would be wise to save these personal conversations for her off-the-clock hours, but Gabriel is still a total dick about the whole thing. Suddenly, he is mad that they only communicate in English, as if that is the reason for ANY of their issues! He is so full of shit. Genevieve intervenes and shocks Emily with her excellent French. Emily begs Genevieve to translate Gabriel’s rant — he yells at Emily in French, knowing she won’t understand him because, again, he is a dick — and Genevieve reports that Gabriel said, “he doesn’t want to see you anymore.” If you were reading the captions, you know perfectly well that this is NOT what he said. I knew she was going to be evil!!!

I almost admire that, given the opportunity to just meet a hot French guy anywhere in Paris, Genevieve has decided to insert herself into a situation she knows is chaotic, like maximum mess, with a guy who is the ex of her new, informal supervisor and a client of her dad’s wife.

Just as I am writing, What on EARTH is Sylvie doing in a place with overhead lighting?? Antoine appears to ask her what she is doing at Picard, a frozen-food shop. (Right? French viewers, let me know what the deal is in the comments.) Antoine was in Saint-Tropez last weekend and can assure Sylvie she need not be preoccupied with Laurent while he’s away, hint, hint. He’s so desperate for her and while I appreciate his enthusiasm, his attempts are bordering on pathetic. Sylvie wisely ditches her frozen food and Antoine’s dinner offer to go out to Club Laurent G. instead. She rips her dress up to expose her whole thigh. She is here to drink and dance and flirt and be an absolute bombshell. On the way out, leaving her shattered dance partner in her wake, she encourages the manager to tell Laurent all about her escapades. She is my hero <3.

Mindy and Emily go out to shake off their respective hardships — Emily feeling like she ruined her relationship, Mindy with her classic can-I-have-my-boobs-and-sing-too dilemma — and I feel like maybe we missed one scene or even just a line to explain their otherwise totally inexplicable outfits. Emily looks like she is referencing (but not exactly copying) Britney’s “Oops!” attire. Mindy’s is skintight galactic-superhero vibes? What is going ON? Dressed head to toe in skintight red leather (pleather?), the girls spot a schemer: Genevieve is having a glass of wine with Gabriel at his restaurant, looking very cozy and apparently communicating just fine.