Well, well, well. Emily looks, dare I say, chic? Cute high bun. Great jacket on her. Is she flirting?! Romance looks good on our hapless anti-heroine!

Personally, I feel like if I were invested in Emily and Gabriel’s relationship, as the show wants me to be, I’d feel a little ripped off by the fact that we are never shown their first tryst together as a real-deal couple — or, actually, any of their intimate moments beyond some very tame kisses. Like, they make out in the carriage and the episode fades to black? This, from Netflix, the streamer that brought us Bridgerton? As always, I wonder who they think the target demographic for this series is and why they’re so convinced the adults who watch it aren’t interested in even a little adult content among adult characters. Are the rumors about Gen Z hating sex onscreen true? Can someone born after 2001 let me know in the comments?

Emily and Gabriel rush home from the restaurant to have sex (!!!). Oh, never mind: Mindy had a huge fight with Nico, and so she is in the apartment. Though Mindy valiantly offers to sob in the stairwell, Gabriel splits so the girls can talk. As you probably expected, Nico’s loyalty remains with his father. His request that Mindy assist in PR damage control — by being photographed with the family at a charity event — is denied by our girl, who does not want to be “complicit.” Nicolas wanted to know if she thought he was complicit, and Mindy said the photo didn’t help matters.

In other drama, someone snitched to the landlord that Gabriel’s apartment has three people in it, which is against the terms of the lease. Intriguing development, except we know that actions have no lasting consequences in the Emily in Paris universe, so I spent the episode just idly wondering what magical resolution would present itself so as to not upset the apple cart of the series. Emily panic-snitches as well, compounding the landlord’s concerns — I actually thought this was a smart and funny move on Emily’s part, a rare one for her — and, by the end of the episode, learns that the first snitch was, in fact, Gabriel. Again we are adding to the giant list of red flags about Gabriel, re: relationship basics. He snitched on his pregnant ex and her girlfriend and risked getting himself evicted instead of having an adult conversation.

I need a breath of fresh air. Let’s go see Sylvie. She looks fantastic, even though she’s in a crisis. She is an inspiration to us all. JVMA pulled its money out from Laurent’s club, as she feared it would, so the opening is canceled. Naturally, he is upset about this, but what really bothers him is that Sylvie never told him that Louis harassed her. Doesn’t she know she can tell him anything? Sylvie says she didn’t want to be part of Louis’s story, diminished as a victim in his plot rather than a protagonist in her own. Laurent assures her that he is proud of her for taking a stand and, as a little aside, thinks he’s been spending too much time in Saint-Tropez (a.k.a. away from her). Love them.

At the office, Sylvie explains that the party can’t happen despite the 500 RSVPs. Can’t really have an opening-night party for a club that isn’t opening. (Also, I burst out laughing when Emily cheered, “That’s my shero!” as Sylvie walked in.) Another interesting consequence from the Le Monde article is that a bunch of clients are canceling their meetings, not wanting to be stained by the controversy. Will anything actually come of this, I wonder?

Incredibly, Sylvie’s private plan to salvage her husband’s dreams is to bring in her mom, Heloise, who, when asked by Emily how she can help her, replies, “You can start by speaking French.” Of course I love Heloise. In the ’70s she had an affair with Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger — at the same time! Also, she ran a nightclub! Also, Emily’s lipstick looks great! I’m having a blast. Do you believe in miracles?

Sylvie’s mom doesn’t really support Sylvie’s participation in the Le Monde article — pretty much the response you’d expect from her, demographic-wise — but the more pressing matter is that, regarding their club crisis, she has this vacant space that’s just been sitting there for 20 years. Apparently, she was an original investor in Laurent’s club in Saint-Tropez, an investment that, Sylvie notes, has paid off handsomely. Heloise is willing to swoop in and save the day, but she has a “few conditions” that she has not yet named.

The gang has a meeting with a shampoo brand for women “of a certain age.” They say they want someone “sophisticated, confident, and chic,” and I wonder … are they going to ask Sylvie to be the face of this? Meanwhile, JVMA sees a presentation from Gregory Dupree for Pierre Cadault — unfortunately, so much time has elapsed since either of these characters were seen onscreen, I find it hard to believe that the average viewer remembers or cares about their drama and dynamic. But the important thing is that Gregory’s grand vision is just dildos that sort of look like stuffed-animal versions of penises attached to the crotches of the pants. He says Louis was his “inspiration” because “men can’t keep their dicks in their pants. Why should we pretend otherwise?” Not to be a stickler about this sort of thing, but the article came out last night. Are we to believe Gregory just assembled his entire collection in six hours? Of course, it looks cheap and ringarde and generally hideous, but I still don’t think we are supposed to believe it was slapdash work. (Remember his awful BDSM gear for flight attendants? Is he supposed to be good at his job, or what?) Obviously, Nicolas is horrified by it. In other horrifying news, Julien has been summoned to a meeting with Louis about Sylvie.

Time for a cheerier update: The party is on. We have one day to turn Sylvie’s mom’s abandoned warehouse space into an indoor beach-club disco. (“I spent all of lunch Googling her,” Emily squeals. “Is it true that she almost broke up ABBA?” God this show is so much more delicious when it knows Emily is obnoxious and everyone around her is interesting!) Sylvie’s “clear your schedule and your browsing history” is perfect. I also loved Heloise’s offhand “Carla Bruni practically drowned in a foam party here in the ’80s” as a response to the question about whether the space could handle water. Where has this energy BEEN? Why can’t this show be this fun all the time?

Gabriel, the least thoughtful boyfriend to ever exist, invites Emily to what she clearly thinks will be a date but is instead a group dinner with Camille and Sofia, not to have a real conversation about their situation but to taste-test the new pastry chef’s offerings. Gabriel’s explanation for springing this on Emily is that he “needs all the opinions he can get.” Jesus CHRIST. He promises he has an idea for him and Emily to get away, and the idea is that he set up a kind of Bachelor-style pillow lounge on the roof of their apartment building. I know we are supposed to find his gesture romantic, but it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t know Emily at all because (as she eventually blurts out at the end of the episode) Emily is not the girl who wants to have sex on the roof!

In the morning, Emily giddily reports to Mindy that she had a “sexploit.” (Again: We do not see any of Gabriel and Emily’s rooftop date. Emily in Paris is Sex and the City for people who hate sex, and also coherent character development and plot continuity.) Mindy is encouraging, even though she actually knows Emily’s true soul and is aware that this is not what will make her happy. But Emily is energized by her one night of scandal (having sex with her boyfriend) and brings this spirit to her pitch about a chic woman with the gray hair for the shampoo brand. “What makes people sexy is their openness to new experiences,” she says. “Embracing the gray area.” Called to come up with the actual advertisement, Emily basically just recaps her night. I’m amazed they let Emily speak in these meetings — or that they hold these client meetings at all — without reviewing what will be said beforehand. Seems like a sloppy business practice that is totally beneath Sylvie. But she’s preoccupied and impeccably dressed, so I guess I’ll allow it.

Sylvie has a little debrief with Emily, saying that the Emily she saw in that meeting is not the one she met at the start of our series. In a lovely human moment, Emily says she is trying to be good with ambiguity. (In my opinion, the problem is that Gabriel is a terrible communicator with no appreciation for healthy boundaries. Ambiguity in this area is actually the opposite of what would serve Emily!)

At the club, Julien arrives to tell Sylvie that Louis is planning to retaliate and intends to use Julien to do so. Out of loyalty to Sylvie, Julien quit. His reward for this act of solidarity is to be assigned the glamorous task of digging sand. Mindy is here as well, performing at the opening, but Nico tells her he can’t be seen there because it would look like he’s choosing a side.

The party is an absolute smash. The bartenders have little slutty yacht outfits, Emily is trying to do that wet-hair look (that’s a horrible dress on her, sorry!), and Sylvie looks amazing. I love that neckline. Her mom and her husband are happy at the same time, which she says is a real rarity. Gregory Dupree arrives with the penis pants, a plot coordinated by Julien to humiliate Louis in the tabloids. Sylvie is delighted. All hail the Queen of the Night, a.k.a. Heloise, for pulling off such a coup! Not that Laurent needed another reason to stay in Paris, wink wink.

Mindy’s band is here, singing in English for reasons that are unclear. Mindy’s outfit is atrocious. After her series of arguments with Nicolas, Benoit is looking good to her again. But then Nicolas does show up — conveniently having missed the performance where Benoit and Mindy were making those emoji-heart-eyes at each other — to tell Mindy that his dad is likely being forced to step down and that he told the board he wouldn’t work there as long as his dad was CEO. Could we have a Succession situation on our hands?

As for the apartments, what do you know: There’s an open one in the building right next door to Gabriel, and the landlord will allow the girls who were breaking the rules of another lease to move right into it. The only real development here is that Emily is starting to realize something she theoretically knew this whole time: Camille and Gabriel will be connected forever if they have a baby, so Emily essentially will have to agree to the whole kit and caboodle if she wants to be Gabriel’s girlfriend. Sofia is going to abscond to Greece, I’m pretty sure, just given her reaction to Camille saying she could never leave Paris. In her defense, this is EXTREMELY not what she signed up for.