Photo: Stephanie Branchu/Netflix

The concept of “time” is tricky in this series, but we do know that this season began at the French Open (late May–early June) and took place within 48 hours of the wedding that wasn’t. The next episode was that same week. Things seemed pretty summery and speedy for the rest of those five episodes. Our mid-season premiere picks up, and it is suddenly, somehow, Christmas. What is extra funny about this is that this would mean Camille, if she were actually pregnant, would be, on the conservative end, seven months pregnant. Seven and a half? She has been pretending to be pregnant for the better part of a year (insane), and on top of this, no one can tell that she’s lying. Those between-scene lobotomies are doing a LOT of heavy lifting this season.

Also, it’s strange to be hit with the Christmas episode in mid-September, and I am curious if the writers knew when this season would air or if they were just hoping for a better release date. The important thing is that Sylvie is here, and Sylvie is wearing a fabulous coat. How does she make orange look so chic? It is not for us to question; with Sylvie, we are here only to learn.

She is toasting Agence Grateau at a swanky-looking holiday party that is not being held at Gabriel’s restaurant, which is the most shocking twist of the episode. There ARE other places in Paris, thank God. “I don’t know if I should thank you or blame you for everything this year,” Sylvie says to Emily. I feel the same way! But you know what? Emily looks fantastic. The low messy bun, the red lip, the little eyeliner flick. Her outfit feels very Blair Waldorf on the Met steps. In fact, almost everything at the top of this episode is going a little too well … for instance, when we see Julien (in an enormous and not chic orange hat; it looks like he decapitated Gritty and is wearing the mascot’s head atop his own as a trophy), he brags about having an annual fling with this hot guy who comes back to town every Christmas. We are treated to a run of sexual Christmas puns — Julien calls him a “stocking stuffer” — and I wonder: Is someone on this show finally going to have a little no-strings sex and be fun?!? I regret to inform you that, by the end of this episode, the prudish sensibilities that govern the Emilyverse will turn this fuckboy into a boyfriend. Ah, well.

Emily is planning to go to Chicago for that classic white-Christmas experience. Gabriel tells her that it never snows in Paris on Christmas, so obviously, it will snow in Paris this Christmas. (I may have to write up a set of laws about Cinematic Weather, and the first one would be that anytime a character says, “It never [climate event]s on [specific date] in [name of place],” this is exactly the climate event that is about to occur.)

Gabriel will be spending Christmas as he usually does: with Camille’s family because she STILL hasn’t told anyone she isn’t really pregnant. Of course, we know that this show would never abscond from Paris for someplace as not-Paris as Chicago. Hence, it’s only a matter of how and when Emily’s travels get derailed. Still, Emily does not know she is in a television show, so I cannot fault her for believing she’ll be having a traditional Cooper Christmas with hideous light-up sweaters, a 5K (of course the Coopers do a Christmas 5K), and other such tacky traditions.

It’s very funny to me that we do away with the entire concept of Gabriel’s world with a simple “I don’t have much family.” Like, even if you don’t have much family, don’t you have enough family for Christmas? What about the grandma he loves so much that he named his restaurant after her? We met her! Wouldn’t he be spending Christmas with her? I choose to believe not that the show forgot about her (because of the lobotomies) but that Gabriel would just rather spend Christmas eating oysters and skiing in the countryside with his ex than having a quiet holiday with his aging loved one.

Mindy will be staying behind in Paris, hosting her orphaned Christmas party, which is probably a blast. Nico and his family are in St. Barts, and Mindy does not want to join. “I’ve done Christmas in the middle of a succession war before. Nightmare.” Again, I must ask this: WHY aren’t we watching the show about younger Mindy? (Also, as if she’d want to be in a bikini around an infamous sex creep. No thank you, indeed!) Because I am constantly dragging Mindy’s outfits, I need to say that she looks really cute here, possibly because she’s just hanging out at home. Love the high-bun/tendril thing she’s got going on. The sequin clown dots on the leopard robe are a little much, but what can we do? Mindy is going to Mindy. Also love how she very quickly hid from Emily that she does a lot of molly at this annual gathering where — what do you know? — Benoit will be in attendance.

Yet again, this prompts me to ask, how long has it been since our mid-season finale? If everyone is still talking about Mindy and Benoit making eyes at each other during their performance, presumably, Mindy and Benoit have not seen each other since … so maybe it hasn’t been that long? But would other events in the episode suggest a longer time lapse?

Emily arrives at the airport in an extremely Emily-type travel outfit — over-the-knee boots, fleece-lined everything, giant sherpa coat that will be super bulky and annoying on the plane, only to discover, to her delight, that she has been bumped to business class. Merry Christmas from Sylvie!!! Do ANY of us deserve her? I laughed out loud when Sylvie answered the phone saying, “What part of ‘don’t call’ do you not understand?” Character consistency: It’s a Christmas miracle! Emily cannot turn off her work brain and plots on how to score Air France as a client (not a bad idea; is Emily getting smarter?!?), only for the inevitable to befall her: The flight is canceled. If I were Emily, I might at least make the most of that swanky business-class lounge before calling it a wash, but Emily calls Gabriel instead. Camille’s dad, who I must assume does not follow his own son on TikTok, insists Emily join the whole gang in Megève for the holidays.

I am almost impressed by the zero effort being put in by Camille (and I guess, by extension, the show) regarding faking her pregnancy. Sure, outside, she is wearing a winter coat. But beneath those coats are pretty formfitting outfits, including a tight miniskirt, that wouldn’t even hide post-lunch bloat, let alone an actual pregnancy in its third trimester. Meanwhile, she never talks about being nauseous, having heartburn, struggling to sleep, or any bodily issues; she’s never exhausted for no apparent reason; she exhibits exactly zero standard-issue early characteristics, behaving the same as she always does. It’s very go, girl, give us nothing. And I suppose I can’t blame her since nobody seems to be putting duh and duh together, not even the people closest to her. How on EARTH does even her mother, a freak for schemes who literally says shit like “things are falling into place” like a goddamned Bond villain, not know that her own daughter isn’t pregnant?

Camille keeps trying to tell her mom that it’s over between her and Gabriel. I cannot tell if we are supposed to believe Camille believes this or not. She performed very flatly, as is her standard practice, alas. “Maybe there will be a Christmas miracle,” says Mom, and I write in my notes: Oh, you mean like the original miracle of Christmas, an immaculate conception? Because nobody fucks on this show, but Camille needs to be pregnant, or her life will crumble??

Also — even though I will spend the rest of this recap defending Emily, whose choices are actually almost all correct (?!?!?) — I will give this to Camille and her mom: If I were French, I would be so annoyed having to spend my family Christmas speaking English for the benefit of my ex’s annoying American girlfriend. Dinner consists of a light cultural exchange about the varying Christmas traditions across cultures. Apparently, in France, Santa’s helper whips children. Kinky! In related news, this episode is 40 minutes long … scenes like this are dragging us down. If you ask me, the platonic ideal of an EIP episode is 28 minutes long.

I need a break from the children to gather my strength. Praise baby Jesus in the manger: Sylvie is here! Sylvie is cooking dinner for Laurent and his daughter, whom he didn’t even know about until she was 17, as we learn through some very sloppy plot exposition through dialogue with Sylvie and her mother, my favorite person after Sylvie. Sylvie is wearing this fabulous deep-V silky red dress and does not even put on an apron while preparing her Thanksgiving bird. Later, Sylvie changes into a tight, strapless black dress with silver boots. Sensational. I love that she is committed to looking like a sexpot even though this teenager is going to be sleeping on her couch. She looks impeccable no matter what she’s doing. How?! 

Sylvie burns the turkey, it’s all very Clueless, and she handles this mishap with unflappable flair: “Do I look like someone who cooks a turkey?” I can only hope to channel this spirit the next time my cooking angers my smoke detector. Laurent’s daughter, Genevieve, is already so much cooler than Emily. I wonder if the plan is for her to turn out to be evil (after threatening Emily’s status with Sylvie as the mentee of choice)? She’s in town to interview for a position as Carine Roitfeld’s assistant. Sylvie volunteers to put in a good word, but this effort backfires, which frankly seems very unlikely because Sylvie wouldn’t botch a work thing, but I understand that is what needed to happen in order for the nepo-teen to get a job at Agence Grateau.

Back at Megève, tensions are high as Gabriel continues to lack any emotional intelligence or social awareness. Takes a real gentleman to make both women in his life feel like the third wheel. He sucks so much I cannot believe these women are fighting over him. Emily wears aggressively clashing patterns (and WHERE in that one suitcase would she have packed that muppet coat?) to get a hilariously accurate talking-to from the wise-beyond-his-years Timothèe, who tells her that in her late-night stroll with Gabriel, she was partaking in the oldest French tradition of all: sneaking out with the mistress. He’s so condescending, and I know he’s sort of a villain, but all his points are correct: Emily deserves more; she will never usurp Camille as long as Camille and Gabriel have a baby together; Gabriel is never going to Chicago for Christmas; there’s not going to be a swimming pool, you stupid slut, etc.

Emily desperately tries to get out of skiing but is roped into it just the same and winds up in a genuinely dangerous situation — zero visibility, extremely not a bunny hill — and I write in my notes: It WOULD be funny if Camille’s family were legitimately trying to kill her. Just in case the warning of the younger brother, and also everything else that has ever happened on this show, did not make the issue clear, Gabriel literally abandons Emily on the top of a mountain to ski after Camille; I guess just because she is … going really fast? And is “skiing for two”?? God, he is the worst! Thankfully, after wiping out and passing out, Emily is rescued by a very cute multilingual skier named Marcello. I was hoping for more of him, but he skis off into the sunset. Maybe we’ll see him back in Paris?

I was so worried Emily would do her usual thing of excusing everyone’s bad behavior because she believes she is a Nice Girl From the Midwest™. But fortunately, finally, she lets everybody have it. She yells at Gabriel for leaving her stranded and accuses him of never choosing her — to this, he replies, “You’re my girlfriend,” with the least conviction I have ever heard — and BREAKS UP WITH HIM!! YES! GO, EMILY, GO! I am kvelling!! Has she been reading my recaps?

Back in Paris, Mindy has traded her somewhat-chic loungewear for a long-sleeve leotard that is covered in rhinestones and has this, like, feather-tail trim the color of a soggy Band-Aid. Julien is here with Dominique, the stocking stuffer, who, as I warned you, is moving to Paris and wants to be Julien’s boyfriend, because no one on this show is allowed to be fun and slutty (complimentary) for even one episode; everyone must be dull and monogamous. Benoit is also here just so he and Mindy can be awkward and make eyes at each other again. Of course, there is a song, but at least in this case, it makes sense for the plot that Mindy would be singing and that the song would be in English.

Emily is on her way to the party when she runs into Marce — nope, sorry, not the hot guy from the mountain. It’s Alfie. I write in my notes, PLEASE tell me Alfie has a girlfriend. I am so over this plot. And then, because the holiday spirit has struck this world — it snows in Paris on Christmas! — Alfie DOES, in fact, have a girlfriend, and they are spending Christmas and Boxing Day with each other’s families. For this particular development, I don’t even care how much time has passed because Alfie was ready for the serious relationship. It would not surprise me if the next date he went on, post-Emily, very quickly became the woman with whom he would attend Christmas mass.

I also want to say I think Lily Collins’s performance in this scene is genuinely lovely! I believe her verge-of-tears situation completely. Even though I know everyone is better off without Gabriel, I understand that she will need a minute to reach the same conclusion, and so she’s gotta cry it out. Also, I am not surprised she just assumed/hoped Alfie would be available forever, and it’s a real kick-her-while-she’s-down deal to discover that he was able to find what he wanted with someone who was willing to provide it and was not going to wait around for her forever.

In Emily’s absence, Camille’s mom eggs on her daughter to make a move on the freshly dumped Gabriel. Why would you want your daughter to be in a committed relationship with this loser? Camille dramatically tells Gabriel she has to tell him “something about the baby.” The question is this: Will she come clean or pretend to have lost her (nonexistent) pregnancy? How dark is this show willing to get?