Ranking human beings by their perceived attractiveness; is it demure, mindful, or even remotely elegant? Perhaps not. Is it literally the foundation upon which Facebook (and, relatedly, the gradual unraveling of our democracy) was built? Sort of! But I defy you to sit through season four of Emily in Paris—which came out on Netflix earlier this month—and not come up with a scoring system of your own.

I would never stoop so far as to rank women or nonbinary people based on sex appeal, but when you consider that most of the world is still set up to cater to rich, handsome, symmetrically featured cishet men, I feel a little less bad about doing it now. So, without further ado, I present to you a definitive ranking of all of the titular Emily’s possible boyfriends, ranked in reverse order of how much I (a bisexual woman with impeccable taste, it should be said) want to kiss them.To quote Emily herself: “It’s Paris!!!”

5. Timothée (Victor Meutelet)

Photo: Marie Etchegoyen/Netflix

Yes, Emily only slept with him once, in season one, but for some reason he’s still around. Girl, learn from Lorde’s infamous warning about “ru[ing] the day you kissed a writer in the dark” and never date (or even kiss) a vlogger!

4. Gabriel (Lucas Bravo)

Lucas Bravo as a hot chef who’s now also a dad…I know I’m supposed to love it, but the buzz around this man was very season one and no longer feels quite as fresh now that (spoiler alert) he and Emily are actually together. Also, I feel like he never truly considers her needs! Sorry for projecting therapy-speak onto fictional characters, but really, it’s a turn-off.

3. Nicolas (Paul Forman)

Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
Why don’t any of my friends have hot, single friends from boarding school in Switzerland? This particular hot, formerly single friend is actually dating Emily’s bestie Mindy in season four, and he is dashingly symmetrical, but he’s too much of a papa’s boy to make it any higher on this list. I do love that Forman is dating costar Ashley Park in real life, though! I’d be very sad if Mindy were written off the show, as she’s one of the relatively few bright spots, but if she does exit, I think Nicolas would make a more-than-decent boyfriend for Emily.

2. Alfie (Lucien Laviscount)

I mean, the name “Lucien Laviscount” should be a qualifying feature on its own—like, did this man just walk out of Bridgerton? He’s hot and he still loves Emily, which is pretty much enough for me. (God help me, I do love to see a man pine; I think Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights made a little bit too much of an impression on me in ninth-grade English.) There’s obvious chemistry there, even if previous seasons have made it clear that Emily and Alfie might not be an ideal match in every way.

1. Marcello (Eugenio Franceschini)

Photo: Stephanie Branchu/Netflix
The No. 1 slot was a toss-up between Alfie and Marcello, but given that all we’ve seen of Marcello are his cute face and rippling biceps, I’m going to have to go with the rookie, if only to do my small part to combat the wave of longing-for-an-ex nostalgia that’s currently sweeping the culture. (Block them! They weren’t right for you the first time! Get rid of the old and go with the new!) Granted, I’ll have to update these rankings once we (hopefully) learn more about Marcello when part two of season four drops on Netflix on September 12, but for now, he’s holding on to the prime-real-estate spot.